So, your Midi-chlorian count is a little low. This isn’t a terrible thing, considering you can still do simple math and drink through a straw without passing out. However, these sentient, microscopic lifeforms that reside in all living things ‘speak to,’ and are therefore very sensitive to, the Force. So, if your Midi-chlorian count falls somewhere around your SAT score, you’re probably not going to be lifting juice boxes with your mind anytime soon.

And, if Midi-chlorians are part of your biological make-up and residing in your gullet at a disappointingly fixed amount, then how in the hell can you boost their currently, spectacularly sparse population? Why, with a hermetically sealed box stuffed with 45 to 75-million free-floating Midi-chlorians!

Yep, just open the box – SLOWLY – and utilize the plastic spade provided to scoop up a prodigious number of Midi-chlorians. Place the scoop of invisible, microscopic Midi-chlorians (that are absolutely real and clinging to that spade) into your mouth, swallow, and then wash it down with 16oz of curdled milk. Within 5-15 minutes, your ability to Force-choke a honey bee will increase exponentially. You might even be able to inflate a flat tire WITH YOUR MIND if the milk is properly curdled.

APRIL FOOLS